Las tan preciadas vacaciones de primavera estaban a la vuelta de la esquina, lo cual significaba que todos estaban locos terminando los proyectos que habían dejado para última hora y entre esas personas estaba yo.
Caminaba lo más rápido que mis pies me lo permitían, necesitaba llegar a tiempo a la siguiente clase para poder entregar aquel maldito proyecto que me hará ser libre al fin.
Estaba por llegar cuando un chico salió de mi salón Justo cuando estaba por entrar, no pude detenerme a tiempo así que terminé por chocar con el, caí al suelo y el solo me miró sin ningún tipo de interés en ayudarme.
- ¿ te podrías fijar por donde vas ?
- Yo venia normal, tú eras la loca que venía corriendo - dijo antes de dar vuelta e irse por el pasillo, mis mejillas estanan rojas, ¿ ese chico quien se cree ?
A la hora del almuerzo estaba junto con mi mejor amiga hablando sobre lo que serían nuestras vacaciones, no se si ver televisión todo el día se puedan llamar vacaciones pero al menos para mi lo eran, en ese momento vi al chico de la mañana.
- ¿ quien ?
- ¿ lo conoces ?
- ¿ por qué?
Debí de haberme quedado pensando demasiado tiempo porque aquel chico de nombre Hoseok se dio cuanta de que lo estaba observando, me dedico una sonrisa burlona.
Desvíe rápidamente mi mirada sintiéndome avergonzada.
Cuando termine mi almuerzo estaba dispuesta a irme para mi siguiente clase, normalmente me gustaba llegar antes que los demás.
Antes de entrar al salón me percaté de que alguien estaba adentro del aula platicando con el profesor.
- Así no funcionan las cosas, tienes que aplicarte de una vez, piénsalo bien.
Cinco segundos después aquel chico con mala fama salió del salón rápidamente, parecía molesto.
No sabía porque pero fui detrás de él, no sabía porque pero quería ayudarlo.
- ¿ que demonios quieres ? - dijo deteniéndose de golpe haciendo que chocara contra sus espalda- ¿ porque me sigues ?
- Y supongo que quieres repetir la materia ¿ o no ?
El me miró por unos largos minutos hasta que soltó un suspiro de frustración.
Tenía casi veinte minutos esperando a Hoseok y no había ninguna señal por parte de él.
Mire mi teléfono con molestia, solo le daría diez minutos más de tolerancia.
- Pero llegué y eso es lo importante - habló con seriedad - ¿ empezaremos de una vez ?
- Exacto, tú lo decidiste.
- Y no se porque, no te daré nada a cambio así que supongo que eres algo tonta ¿ segura que me puedes ayudar a estudiar ?
Eso fue lo máximo que estaba dispuesta a tolerar.
Me levante de mi lugar rápidamente llamando la tensión del chico frente a mi quien por primera vez tenía una expresión en su rostro diferente. Tenía una expresión de confusión.
- No permitiré que sea así conmigo, yo solo te quiero ayudar porque creo que de alguna manera no eres tan idiota como todos piensan, quería ayudarte a pasar el examen pero creo que puedes hacerlo sin ayuda.
Dicho eso, tomé mi mochila y salí rápidamente sin dejar que Hoseok me respondiera, estaba furiosa.
Al llegar a mi casa cerré la puerta con fuerza y me fui a mi habitación donde mi pequeña mascota me esperaba sobre mi cama y movió su pequeña colita al verme lo cual me hizo relajarme notablemente. No todo en ese día era tan malo.
Pasó casi una hora antes de que el timbre de mi casa sonara. Salí de la comodidad de mi cama y corrí escaleras abajo para ver quien estaba tocando. Demasiada grande fue mi sorpresa al encontrarme con Hoseok parado frente a mi puerta con algunas libros en sus brazos.
- Me di cuenta que tú no querías que te ayudara y no me pensaba quedar a que me siguieras molestando - dije de la misma manera que el - asi que aclarado el punto te agradecería que te fueras...¿ Cómo supiste donde vivo ?
Era la primera vez que veía a ese chico de aquella manera, tan preocupada y vulnerable, no parecía ser el Hoseok del que todos hablan y temen.
Me sorprendió mucho cuando Hoseok cumplió su palabra y solo hablaban para hacer preguntas o responder las mías respecto al tema. Ciertamente no era tan desagradable estar con el cuando no lanzaba comentarios cortantes y burlones.
- Te puedo ofrecer algo de comer si quieres - dije mientras me levantaba del sofá - creo que tengo un poco de helado , ¿ quieres un poco ?
Hoseok parecía pensarlo por unos minutos, cuando creía que iba a aceptar el negó.
Sonreí cuando mi pequeña mascota bajó por las escaleras mientras movía la cola. Me sorprendió que se dirigirá a Hoseok rápidamente, ni siquiera me miró.
Hoseok sonrió levemente y acarició a mi perrito en su cabeza con cariño. Me di cuenta que en ese momento el había dejado su acritud arrogante a su lado, se había quitado la máscara de indiferencia que lo caracteriza.
Por primera vez oí su risa cuando mi mascota subió sobre su regazo y se sentó mirándolo sin dejar de mover la cola.
Muchas preguntar comenzaron a invadir mi mente. ¿ que le ocurrió a Hoseok ?, algo fuerte le tuvo que haber pasado para dejar de ser aquel sonriente y lindo chico que todos conocían para transformarse en alguien gruñón y solitario.
- ¿ tengo algo en la cara ? - preguntó mirándome de reojo.
- ¿ en lo guapo que soy ? - dijo con una arrogante sonrisa que no llegaba a iluminar sus ojos.
- ¿ a que te refieres ? - preguntó mirándome con aquellos ojos fríos e indiferente, sabía que estaba tocando un tema que al parecer es difícil para el pero no perdía nada con intentarlo.
- Tú y yo sabemos a lo que me refiero, tú antes no eras así.
- Esta bien, lo lamento no sabía que ere un tema delicado. No volveré a preguntar.
- No somos amigos, ni compañeros así que déjame de ver con esa cara de lastima - gruñó caminando hacia la puerta y suspiré sintiéndome algo culpable pero a la vez confundida. ¿ donde habrá quedado el Hoseok de antes ?
Los siguientes cuatro días pasaron con tranquilidad, ayudaba a Hoseok y lograba acercarme un poco más a él, pude ver algunas actitudes de él que eran muy diferentes a lo que siempre mostraba. Su sonrisa era grande y muy linda, su risa era llamativa pero agradable de escuchar. En esos momentos sentía que estaba conociendo a Hoseok de verdad.
- Eso espero niña.
Yo mmmm quería darte las gracias por ayudarme, nadie quería hacerlo - susurro mirándome rápidamente- si puedo hacer algo por ti solo dilo y ten por seguro que lo haré.
Iba a negar si propuesta pero una pregunta llegó a mi cabeza.
- en realidad, hay algo que quiero saber - Hoseok asintió esperando que siguiera hablando - ¿ porque te comportas así ?
- ¿ disculpa ?
- Mmm bueno, antes no eras asi, o es lo que dicen y lo he notado estos días, eres un hombre dulce y no muy cruel como pareces ¿ a que se debió tu cambio ?
Hoseok suspiró y se levantó de su lugar, parecía molesto. Imite su acción dispuesta a detenerlo y pedirle disculpas por mi actitud impertinente.
- ¿ enserio quieres saber ?
Nos quedamos mirando un rato y por primera vez en mi vida hice algo que nunca había echo hasta ese día. Me eleve sobre las puntas de los pies y junte sus labios con los míos. Nunca había sido la primera en besar a un chico y no se sentía mal, mucho menos cuando me respiro y me tomó de la nuca para acercarme más a él. Era glorioso sentir sus labios moverse sobre los míos, era un beso único y creo que eso se debía a que me estaba besando con Hoseok, el chico que puede ser dulce e intimidante al mismo tiempo.
Cuando nos separamos, nuestras miradas de conectaron y una leve sonrisa apareció en los labios de aquel lindo chico.
Todo cambia rotundamente cuando Bangtan boys estaban dando un concierto en la latino américa, los integrantes de los shipps mas famosos. Vkook, Namjin y él Yoonmin deciden sorprender a sus Armys, besandose. Hoseok, nuestro esperanzo,se sorprendió en pleno concierto mientras bailaba "Wings". Todos preocupados lo llamaban y le enviaban mensajes. Hoseok nunca respondia. Hasta llegaron a preguntarle a la compañia que pasaba con Hoseok. Estos siempre respondian; "Esta bien, recuperandose". Cuando termino la gira, todos estaban muy emocionados, llegaron y directamente fueron hacia la sala de ensayos, donde su manager había dicho cuando le preguntaron donde estaba Hobi. Sabían que se había recuperado. Pero cuando entraron a la sala de ensayos se encontraron a una alta persona, seria, bailando Wings. Era como ...No reconocían a la persona frente a ellos.
-¿Perdona haz visto a Hobi?-El ser aquel ardiente como el sol, asintió.H Se quitó el tapa bocas y sonrió. Estos se les quedaron viendo varios minutos, este se seco el sudor de su frente y tomo una botella de agua, ellos lo seguian mirando con cara de embobados. -Tanto tiempo sin vernos-Dijo el chico cerrando la botella de agua. El primero en reaccionar fue Jimin.
J-Hope was the sunshine and hope of BTS and ARMY alike, so he couldn't have anxiety... right? No way the ball of happiness and noises (that are sometimes suspiciously inhuman) could ever be depressed or unhappy. Right?
Wrong.
The young dancer was tired of being seen as only the happy ball of sunshine, done with all the concerned comments if he forgot to keep that forced smile on his face for the whole damn one hour interview, and sick of all the hate he received when he let his little act slip for just a second, let the sun make room for the shadow to play after being hidden for so long.
He was just so tired of all the assumptions, the hate, the expectations, and more hate when he let reality show, he hated-"Hobie?"
The dancer sat up quickly, startled out of his thoughts by the voice, that he now knew belonged to Suga, in the doorway. He hadn't even heard the rapper open the door.
"Yes hyung? What's up?" Hobie's attempt to sound casual was useless when he saw Suga's eyes narrow just the slightest.
"You were muttering. You only do that when something's wrong. Not to mention you're also crying." He couldn't help but reach up and feel for himself at the older's words, and indeed found the area around his eyes wet. Was he seriously in such deep thought that he hadn't realized he started crying?
J-Hope could have cursed, but thought better of it while Suga was in the room.
"Hobie, talk to me." Yoongi said as he shut the door before moving to sit next to the boy on the bed.
Honestly he was considering it. But what would that accomplish? He would still have to deal with all the fan's unneeded concern, hate, assumptions, the anxiety, depression, trying to keep everything hidden-"Enough."
The word was simple, short, and held no anger or warning to it, but still managed to pull the boy's focus away from his thoughts.
"Sorry hyung."
"Nothing to be sorry for. Wanna tell me what has you so anxious?" The word made Hobie stiffen, his back ridged and his eyes wide. Suga took notice immediately and he knew. Hoseok knew he knew.
"Hyung, I-"
"You have anxiety disorder don't you?" Hobie didn't trust his voice enough to verbally answer, so he just nodded his head. He should have known that the older would find out seeing as the rapper had dealt with anxiety and self hate as well.
"Hobie, how long have you kept this a secret?" The concern was obvious to Hoseok, too obvious. It made him feel guilty.
"Since about six months after debut." He said shakily, though his voice was a lot more even than he thought it was going to be. "I knew you dealt with it, Jungkookie had his own kind of anxiety to deal with, Namjoon is leader, Jimin was having issues with his body image, and-"
"Slow down," Suga said calmly but firmly, successfully cutting off his thoughts from going too far again, "where in all that did you hear any of us say that we didn't have the time or the energy to help you with your anxiety?"
"I just thought that-"
"No, that isn't an answer." The older said, voice redirecting Hobie to the present. "When did you actually hear any of us tell you we were too busy with our own stuff to help you with yours?"
"N-Never, but-"
"No buts. We never said that and never would have if you had come to us. The maknae line would have made it their mission to make you feel happy and loved every chance they got, Jin would have loved to teach you how to cook as a way to relax and distract yourself, Namjoon would have had you help him in the studio or ask you to help him with his dancing, lord knows he needs it." Hobie chuckled at that.
Everyone knew that the God of Destruction had two left feet when it comes to dancing or trying to do anything involving coordination, but it was starting to get better for him. Thinking back, Hobie's smile slowly lowered into a frown when he realized something.
"And you, hyung?" He asked timidly, as if he would get scolded for speaking too loudly or asking at all.
"I," the rapper started before wrapping an arm around the boy's shoulders, "would have stayed with you for as long as you wanted me to until you were in a more okay head space, had you help me with some new songs, asked you to help me with some dances since I'm a mess too, and would have taught you some coping skills that my therapist taught me, but only if you wanted me to." Suga told him with an even voice and an honest expression. In that moment, Hobie knew that he could trust the older with anything, could depend on him for anything.
"Hyung, thank you." He said with a thick voice. Suga gave a small smile as he brought his hand up and wiped away what may or may not have been a tear.
"Do you know what your triggers are?" The question was serious and J-Hope knew it demanded an answer no matter how much the tone of voice contradicted, but he didn't know if the older would understand or stick around long enough to try. He took a deep breath and took the risk anyways.
"The fact that I have to hide it all." He looked up to see Suga looking at him with caring, patient eyes, yet confusion mixed in them to make the most innocent and soft expression he's ever seen on the boy's face.
"Every time I let the sunshine face, fans get concerned or angry. As if a ball of sunshine and hope is all I am, and if I'm not then they assume something is seriously wrong or that I don't care. They don't seem to get that I'm human and have other emotions, that I experience pain, sadness, anxiety, depression, anger. They don't get that with every ray of sunshine, there's a shadow just on the other side."
He had begun crying again somewhere near the beginning of his little speech. Suga just held him and listened to his explanation, not interrupting or letting his attention waver. His full attention was on Hobie and his words.
"Hobie, look at me, please?" Suga asked gently. He did so through watery eyes. "You said depression. Do you experience self hate?"
Hoseok could have kicked himself right then and there. How could he let that slip?! He hadn't even realized it left his mouth, he had barely registered any of the words he spoke before he spoke them and doesn't even remember half of them.
"Sometimes," he started with a sigh, looking at the ground again, "I just feel like I'm not good enough for the fans, that I never will be because I can't keep up the act. I hate myself for having anxiety, for not being the ball of sunshine and hope that everyone expects me to be."
He didn't know what to expect Suga to do after his little confession, if he's honest. Tell him off, yell, maybe even a light slap had crossed his mind, sure, but he definitely didn't expect the older to kiss him, and most definitely hadn't expected the kiss to be so.. tender. Gentle, caring, and full of love.
The kiss wasn't heated, wasn't rushed, and definitely wasn't long. It was actually over far too soon for Hobie's liking. He already missed feeling the passion and love that Suga had put into it, wanted to feel it again. Unfortunately before he could reconnect their lips, the elder spoke again.
"Hoseok, you are good enough. Being yourself is good enough. The people that call themselves our fans that expect you to be a certain way or will only like you if you act or look a certain way aren't really our fans. We do this for ARMY. The ones who understand us, appreciate us, and love us for us. For who we are, not for who they want us to be. The ones who only want three things from us. To be happy, healthy, and successful."
"But-"
"No. No buts. If that isn't enough, then listen some more." Suga said, pecking his lips softly before continuing. "I love you for you. Every smile, every frown, tear, and laugh, every second of every day. You might be my sunshine, Jung Hoseok, but I love all of your shadows because they're apart of you and I know there's no such thing as a sun without a shadow."
J-Hope knew he was crying. He didn't need the wet tracks down his cheeks to tell him that. What Suga had just confessed was singlehandedly one of the few most beautiful things he ever heard, even been told much less. He loved Min Yoongi.
The boy who had just confessed his feelings for him, who had kissed him and made him feel appreciated, loved, and safe for the first real time in who knows how long by just listening to him and letting him talk, only interrupting to bring him out of a dangerous train of thought or to make him stop thinking so hard about something so simple. He loved the older boy. He was sure.
"Hyung. Thank you. You... you made me feel more loved tonight than I have in a long while." He said, humming happily when Suga placed a soft, quick kiss on his lips again in response.
"You have no idea how long I've been waiting to tell you that. And... one more thing." Suga said before getting slightly nervous, his posture going a weird sort of stiff as he awkwardly shifted his weight.
Hobie looked at him curiously. Why had his hyung gotten so nervous all of a sudden? Did he not mean any of it? Was he going to jump up and laugh at him? Was it all a pra-"Will you be my boyfriend, Jung Hoseok?"
The younger froze. The words had left the rapper's mouth so fast, had he heard right? When he looked at Suga more closely, seeing the hope, anticipation, and almost desperation in his eyes, he knew he hadn't misheard.
"Yoongi, I would love to be your boyfriend!" Hoseok happily exclaimed right before Yoongi locked their lips together in a long, sow, passionate kiss.
"Hyungs! Pay the fuck up!" Suga pulled back at the sound of the resident maknae's voice on the other side of the door, glaring at it as he stood up.
"Aish! Watch your mouth and get the fuck back here you damn brat!"
Hobie watched as Yoongi stomped out of the room after his next victim, feeling as though he couldn't be happier. Sure, their maknae was about to get maimed or even killed to be turned into a nice tote for Namjoon's laptop, but it was his boyfriend about it do it.
Oh God how he loved saying boyfriend. Yoongi was his boyfriend, nobody else's, and he loved that. He loved being able to call Yoongi his, that Yoongi chose him, and that the rapper understood him, loved him, and appreciated him.
The words Yoongi said to him still fresh in his memory, and one piece stood out the most, oer all the rest.
"...I love all of your shadows because they're apart of you and I know there's no such thing as a sun without a shadow."
"Hobie-hyung! Help!" But Hoseok was too happy to care. The maknae line was on their own.
